awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
