I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
