I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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