I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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