Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
