I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
