you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
