Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
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