He asked me if I "almost moaned"
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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