wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Randomize
