one two three fourrrrnication!
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Randomize
