I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
