i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
