I wish I could teleport
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
