Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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