My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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