Fine. I'll sleep in my office
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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