Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
