When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
