I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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