My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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