I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Randomize
