i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
