dude i'm inner monologue high
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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