Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
did you just send me my own nude
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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