Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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