"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
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