Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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