Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
