Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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