I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Randomize
