I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
i am craving dick and cupcakes
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