why do cheetos always look like penises
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
