I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
