I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize