I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
The adults are the big ones right?
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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