Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
