no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
