yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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