I can feel you judging me through the phone.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Boobs are out for the taking
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Someone signed my nipple.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
