i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
