he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
