I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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