I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
