you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
The power of my boobs compel you
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
