FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
