He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
