just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
What happened to fro yo and sex?
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
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