I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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