I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
