My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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