its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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