Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
