the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
