Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
