"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
