My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
