This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
