did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I just blew my weed a kiss
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
