I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
