I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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