omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
